Prozac Update: 1 Week

I didn’t expect such great results so soon!  I have not had the desire to binge at all.  I don’t seem to have any side effects either.  Mild nausea here and there, but, very mild.  I am able to discern a feeling of physical hunger and a sense of satisfied fullness, and I am able to stop eating at that point.

My mood has somewhat lifted as well, anxiety is down.

Who knows, this could just be a placebo effect, but, I don’t think so!

I haven’t been doing my 20 minutes 3x per week exercise, plus yoga. I don’t know why, it’s not lack of time.  I just haven’t felt motivated to do it...so, I have to get on track with that this week...for my health! Laying around isn’t great!

Other things I have been doing include reading about managing BED.  There’s a LOT out there and it can be a bit overwhelming.  I did find “The Binge Code” to be extremely helpful.  I have been using several of the techniques and the are simple and effective.  The two I like the best are “Zen10,” and “I Love Myself.”

 “Zen10” is something you say to yourself when you feel a binge trigger coming...you find that moment between the feelings and the binge and say (or shout) internally “ZEN10” as a reminder/trigger to give yourself 10 minutes of being super kind to yourself, super mindful of what you are feeling and ask yourself what you really need.  In that time your binge need may subside, but if it doesn’t, that’s okay, maybe you are just hungry or maybe you still binge, but...it’s okay, you aren’t bad.  You have given yourself some love though and often that’s enough!

“I Love Myself,” is almost like magic!  It is meant to reprogram all of your negative self talk.  I think more people should do this, not just those of us who suffer from BED!  Basically, anytime you catch the negative self talk replace it with “I love myself” like a mantra in your brain.  Let that phrase be your meditation. It reminds you to be compassionate with yourself.  It retrains you’re brain so that is the automatic tape that runs through your head instead of the negative stuff.  It triggers a different chemical reaction in the brain, to help bathe your brain with all the feel good neurotransmitters!  I think it is one of those, “fake it til you make it” kind of techniques that really works!

I have also set an eating schedule for myself.  I haven’t read the actual “Intuitive Eating” book yet, which is supposedly the gold standard for BED recovery, but I have come across some of the principles.  I wasn’t sure what to do exactly though! I was in crisis mode a few weeks ago!
So, on the day I started the Prozac I began this schedule.  Bkfst/lunch/dinner/ and 3 snacks, all 3 hours apart.  It does a few things...I think it is training my body to know that it will be fed, and to expect food at those times.  Psychologically it helps me know that I am go to be having something soon, always, so that somehow unties my emotions from my hunger.  I think I crave other things, emotional things, like connection, understanding, intimacy, and food is a way that I have been trying to meet those needs.  Sometimes I crave a way to deal with frustration, anger, being treated unjustly, and those things are also handled with binging.  But when you are eating a small meal or snack every 3 hours, it kind of unhooks the emotion from the urge to eat...at least so far.

I am logging my meals and trying to eat a variety of healthy things, but, I am not being restrictive.  I still eat cookies, pop tarts, pizza.  Not labeling anything as “bad.”  I calculated the calories my body needs and divided that by the 6 meals as a framework.  None of this is rigid and I am not trying to lose weight. (Although I think I have lost a bit based on how my clothes feel.). If I want more, I eat it until satisfied and if I don’t want anything, I skip it. (That hasn’t happened too often though.)

Overall, it’s a lot, and it’s new.  I am excited by all of it, but, I realize that this is an ongoing issue.

I do still need to contact an actual counselor to deal with those emotions that I named earlier that cause me to binge.  Knowing what emotions trigger me is not the same as excavating the garbage behind them. Sure, I’m currently not eating to deal with those things but, I still need to figure out HOW to deal with them.  I’ve been reluctant though.  Part of it is money, but I suspect there are other reasons lurking.  I have anxiety about asking for help. It’s a work in progress though!

Currently reading

https://www.amazon.com/Binge-Code-Unconventional-Eating-Excess-ebook/dp/B073HDB6ZN

This is what I am currently reading.  I am loving it so far.
When you order it on Amazon you also get a link to some other content, guided meditations and such.  I have not tried them out yet, but this book makes sense so far, and is quite encouraging and hopeful.  The author is recovering from Bulimia, so she has been there.

Prozac: an update and a dream

I’ve only taken 3 doses of Prozac so far. If you look online you will read that it takes 2-3 weeks for it to work. I can tell you that is BS because, 1) online it will also tell you about symptoms you may experience as your body adapts to the drug during the first 2 weeks, so clearly your body knows it is there and 2) I am feeling the effects already. And no, these aren’t placebo effects.

Day 2: Tuesday, I felt the teeniest bit nauseous, and incredibly fatigued.  While trying to watch the governor’s corona virus update  at 4 pm, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I also felt freezing cold.  I tend to get cold when I am sleepy, but I needed 2 shirts, 2 blankets, and my dog cuddling me before I felt warm again. (At one point I was terrified it was coved-19!). I don’t think the freezing part was due to the Prozac, but who knows?  I went to bed by 5 pm and only got up at 8:30 for a quick dinner. (A small grilled chicken breast and a roll.) I did not binge that day.

Day 3: Wednesday, a bit more nausea, but manageable. My hunger existed, but behind a wall kind of.  The nausea was in front, the hunger behind.  It seemed like I could eat to assuage the hunger, but not binge, because that would trigger the nausea.  I did not feel fatigue or cold. I did feel...tingly. That’s the only way to describe it. A heightened awareness of something? More focused and peaceful? Like the beginning of being buzzed? It was pleasant. I made mostly healthy choices, did have more cookies than intended, so I will call that a binge.

Today is Day 4 and I haven’t even dosed yet. I do not feel nausea. I do feel the tingles, but not as prominent as yesterday. I’ve been having intense dreams, which is a known side effect of Prozac.  My dreams are all over the place but the effect they have is making me see myself with honesty and compassion.

For example:  I dreamt that I was headed for a job interview. I wanted the job, but was also ambivalent about it. The interview had been arranged by an old friend/flame of mine from college.  Some girls I went to high school with also worked there. I could tell that I was being evaluated during the interview, but everyone was jovial and passing around cookies and coffee.  I was relaxed, myself. I had one or two of the cookies too.  The old flame came in, and it was clear that he had charmed all of the ladies in the office. I gently teased him about it, and I don’t think it went over well. The first part of the interview was abruptly over. The next candidate was there. I was due to come back later in the afternoon for a question and answer period but one of my high school friends told me that she thought, “it was a negative” that I wouldn’t be hired.  She didn’t know, or wouldn’t say, why.  She asked me if I was going to come back for the question and answer period, knowing that I wasn’t going to be hired.  Part of me wanted to go, to change their minds! I was obviously the best choice! Part of me looked at myself in a mirror and thought my appearance was disgusting and that was the reason, that, or the cookies I’d eaten, or the joke with my ex, or my laid back attitude, .basically I was TEARING myself apart.  I was analyzing the other candidate and comparing myself to her, favorably and unfavorably.  Then, I realized that I had an event scheduled that had a lot of meaning to me. I would have to skip it if I went to the second half of the interview. I STILL felt compelled to go to the interview to “prove” something, even though I realized that I didn’t really want to work there because it would always make me feel insecure, even though I knew they had already decided against me.  My pride wanted me to go to “make a point” while my heart just wanted to go do the event it had planned.

How many times have I gotten caught up in wanting to make a point, wanting to prove I’m good enough, in order to feed my ego, instead of just doing what my heart and soul really wants to do? Many times I think.  Many times I have gone along with things that I was ambivalent about because they were tied to my ego, not my essence.  I doubt that I am unique in this, but wow, how mean I was to myself in the dream, when I found out the didn’t want me! So brutal.

I really need to stop brutalizing myself.

So, yes, I am feeling confident and encouraged about the Prozac so far!

Happy Birthday to me!

I had my physical today.  Yes, it is my birthday too.  I scheduled this physical way back when the world was normal.  Back then figured that I would take my birthday off from work anyway so why not get a physical done the same day.  Who knew all of this corona virus stuff would happen?!

I woke up to a beautiful bouquet of flowers and lovely mermaid theme decorations!  I Count my blessings every day! I am so loved!

After the flowers and kisses and hugs it was off to the Dr.  I’d been dreading it AND excited for it. 

Honestly, I would have canceled it if this problem with binging hadn’t reared its ugly head right now. It was a little creepy.  I wore a mask, the door was opened for me and I was handed gloves.  My temp was taken and written on a little post it. I needed that post it to be allowed onto the elevator.

Upstairs, I had to talk loud enough to be heard through glass and masks to check in. 

I had been worried that the Dr. would have little time for my bullshit. “Stop whining and stop stuffing yourself!”  is what I imagined.  I couldn’t have been more wrong!  She was so compassionate and wonderful! I love her because she manages to be compassionate and matter of fact at the same time. 

She wasn’t worried about my 23 lb wt gain. Especially since my BP was 120/80 (best it’s ever ever ever been-something to be said for not working!). She absolutely wants me to get counseling. She absolutely positively wants to support me with medication.  

She said that she thinks that for me the binging is a symptom of something deeper, something that also causes depression and anxiety.  She said to check with my insurance and find someone who does tele-health visits for counseling.  She also suggested online support groups.  She asked me to commit to 20 minutes of exercise, 3 times a week, PLUS whatever yoga I want to do.  She knows that I am already using a food journal intended for binge eating recovery.  She is happy that I am blogging too. 

The approved medication for B.E.D. is called Vyvanse. It’s a stimulant though and contraindicated for high bp even when well controlled.  It is also a controlled substance and I’d need labs every 2 weeks, etc.  This being “corona time” she didn’t think it would be a good idea to start me on that anyway.  She decided on 20 mg Prozac.  It is known to help with both depression and to help with binging. It is not known to cause weight gain like other SSRI’s .  She promised to call me weekly and check on how I am doing. 

I am incredibly relieved to have the medication to help me. I am incredibly grateful for my wonderful physician! 

I took my first dose today, and will update on symptoms, etc, as time goes on. 

Now it’s time to celebrate!

An Example of “Stinkin’ Thinkin”

When I was growing up my dad always had some motivational book around.  One was by Zig Ziglar, and that’s where I first heard the term “Stinkin’ Thinkin’.” The following is an example:

On the outside, it looks like I had a decent day today.  I did a few blog posts, did some yoga, facilitated a nice conversation between my daughter and husband, got some loving feedback from friends...and more!  

On the inside I’m a WRECK.  When my daughter and I went for a quick drive to ensure the car would still start she wanted to go to visit her campus. Reasonable that she’d miss it.  As we got further away from home it was all I could do to contain my panic.  I was terrified that we might get into an accident and I’d be seen...and exposed to COVID-19 too. 

Worse than that though, thoughts are spinning around in my mind about my upcoming Dr. appointment.  The weigh in.  Explaining the weight gain.  Talking about my binges and asking for help.  Thinking that my Dr. will think, “I’ve got people suffering and dying from corona virus and this one can’t stop eating !?”  “Kids, people, are starving in this state and in this world, and this one won’t stop eating cookies?!”  

I feel RIDICULOUS.  I feel like I’m “making a mountain out of a molehill.”  I should just go back on WW and stop WHINING!

I know that there is no way my Dr is going to think like that, I wouldn’t like her as a Dr if she’d ever made me feel that way. It’s just Stinkin’ Thinkin’ but it’s filling me with anxiety, dread, and...1/2 a bag of cookies. Ugh. 

A Schedule

So, I still feel a bit overwhelmed, like I’m wandering around without a map.  

I know I need professional help, but, I am waiting til my physical on Monday to discuss this with my primary care physician.  I know there are medications that can help me.  I trust her to know which medication would be best for me and to direct me to resources that she is familiar and comfortable with.  

In the meantime I decided that a way to alleviate some of the guilt and shame I feel every time I eat anything, anytime I feel hunger, is to to give myself a schedule.  I literally almost typed “ a feeding schedule,” as if I were an animal.  I also have been using the RR Eating Disorder App.  It’s okay, a little clunky for me to use so far, but, it’s something.  I am trying to not be super controlling and set myself up for failure so, I think I will tell myself that I am allowed to eat at unscheduled times if I feel hungry to do so.  

Hunger.  I feel so hungry so often.  It makes me feel ashamed. Why do I have to be “a girl with a big appetite? 

Yoga

I find my body to be so sore sometimes, so stiff.  Sure, I’m about to turn 54 and I have led a mostly sedentary life, but, I think the stiffness and soreness is partially mood related, particularly my body being cranky about how lousy I treat it.

Yoga helps this for me.  It makes my muscles tingle and feel important and cared for.  It makes me feel proud of myself for doing something.   It helps me feel like “I” am residing IN my body, instead of elsewhere...like I actually feel like the thing I call “me” is located in my body.

That may seem strange to some, but, from my reading I see that it’s not uncommon among those of us with an eating disorder.  We often do not feel like we reside in our own bodies!  We are disconnected.  We have a mental image of our body that doesn’t even sync up with the reality of our body. Sometimes, we think of ourself as much closer to “normal” than we really are, that’s to say, an idealized version of what we think is socially acceptable.  Those times are what get us in trouble when we look in a mirror or see ourselves in a photo, because what we see does not match our own inner picture.  It leads to shame and binging.

Sometimes, however, the opposite is true too.  Sometimes we think we are much bigger than we really are.  The shame is raging during these times.

Basically, for me, I float between these two states of being.  Often I see another woman who is also overweight and I ask whoever I’m with if I am the same size.  I legitimately don’t know.  I am really asking because I have no idea.  Often the response is, “No way!” Because, of course, it’s “wrong” to tell a woman, especially one you care about, exactly what size she is.  I don’t know why I ask sometimes, because I don’t really ever trust the answer, but sometimes it feels good to get a compliment, even if it isn’t sincere.  I don’t ask for the compliment though, I ask out of legitimate confusion.

We all have “ problem areas.”  Things we don’t like about our appearance.  Some can be changed and others not.  One of the things I don’t like is my hanging tummy.  It causes me actual trouble and shame.  I don’t care if it’s an artifact of my pregnancy (something I am proud of having accomplished/experienced) or not.  I often fantasize about having it surgically removed.  When I am doing yoga, however, even when that bubble of shameful skin physically gets in the way of a pose, I feel compassion for my body.  For my belly.  I breathe into it.  Or, more to the point, I allow breath into it.  I allow it to exist without hatred.  It feels nice in that moment to do so.

I’d love to be able to carry that belly acceptance with me all of the time.