Prozac: an update and a dream

I’ve only taken 3 doses of Prozac so far. If you look online you will read that it takes 2-3 weeks for it to work. I can tell you that is BS because, 1) online it will also tell you about symptoms you may experience as your body adapts to the drug during the first 2 weeks, so clearly your body knows it is there and 2) I am feeling the effects already. And no, these aren’t placebo effects.

Day 2: Tuesday, I felt the teeniest bit nauseous, and incredibly fatigued.  While trying to watch the governor’s corona virus update  at 4 pm, I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I also felt freezing cold.  I tend to get cold when I am sleepy, but I needed 2 shirts, 2 blankets, and my dog cuddling me before I felt warm again. (At one point I was terrified it was coved-19!). I don’t think the freezing part was due to the Prozac, but who knows?  I went to bed by 5 pm and only got up at 8:30 for a quick dinner. (A small grilled chicken breast and a roll.) I did not binge that day.

Day 3: Wednesday, a bit more nausea, but manageable. My hunger existed, but behind a wall kind of.  The nausea was in front, the hunger behind.  It seemed like I could eat to assuage the hunger, but not binge, because that would trigger the nausea.  I did not feel fatigue or cold. I did feel...tingly. That’s the only way to describe it. A heightened awareness of something? More focused and peaceful? Like the beginning of being buzzed? It was pleasant. I made mostly healthy choices, did have more cookies than intended, so I will call that a binge.

Today is Day 4 and I haven’t even dosed yet. I do not feel nausea. I do feel the tingles, but not as prominent as yesterday. I’ve been having intense dreams, which is a known side effect of Prozac.  My dreams are all over the place but the effect they have is making me see myself with honesty and compassion.

For example:  I dreamt that I was headed for a job interview. I wanted the job, but was also ambivalent about it. The interview had been arranged by an old friend/flame of mine from college.  Some girls I went to high school with also worked there. I could tell that I was being evaluated during the interview, but everyone was jovial and passing around cookies and coffee.  I was relaxed, myself. I had one or two of the cookies too.  The old flame came in, and it was clear that he had charmed all of the ladies in the office. I gently teased him about it, and I don’t think it went over well. The first part of the interview was abruptly over. The next candidate was there. I was due to come back later in the afternoon for a question and answer period but one of my high school friends told me that she thought, “it was a negative” that I wouldn’t be hired.  She didn’t know, or wouldn’t say, why.  She asked me if I was going to come back for the question and answer period, knowing that I wasn’t going to be hired.  Part of me wanted to go, to change their minds! I was obviously the best choice! Part of me looked at myself in a mirror and thought my appearance was disgusting and that was the reason, that, or the cookies I’d eaten, or the joke with my ex, or my laid back attitude, .basically I was TEARING myself apart.  I was analyzing the other candidate and comparing myself to her, favorably and unfavorably.  Then, I realized that I had an event scheduled that had a lot of meaning to me. I would have to skip it if I went to the second half of the interview. I STILL felt compelled to go to the interview to “prove” something, even though I realized that I didn’t really want to work there because it would always make me feel insecure, even though I knew they had already decided against me.  My pride wanted me to go to “make a point” while my heart just wanted to go do the event it had planned.

How many times have I gotten caught up in wanting to make a point, wanting to prove I’m good enough, in order to feed my ego, instead of just doing what my heart and soul really wants to do? Many times I think.  Many times I have gone along with things that I was ambivalent about because they were tied to my ego, not my essence.  I doubt that I am unique in this, but wow, how mean I was to myself in the dream, when I found out the didn’t want me! So brutal.

I really need to stop brutalizing myself.

So, yes, I am feeling confident and encouraged about the Prozac so far!