Support

When I burst into tears watching one of the new Walmart COVID-19 themed commercials the other night (because it’s all so overwhelming, what our world is going through and I’m damned emotional about trying to face the crisis that is my body and my eating) my husband got up from the loveseat and bent over me to hold me while I cried. “I got you!” He said.   He is a blessing in my life!

When my husband went out for groceries one day I caught myself standing in the middle of the kitchen shoving potato chips into my mouth so fast that they were spilling onto the floor.  The night before I had baked brownies for “the family” while they were in the living room and I snuck a muffin into my mouth in 2 bites while stirring the batter.  When it dawned on me that I need to address what was going on with me I spoke with two of my closest friends first.

One friend already knew I had an eating disorder. We had met in our 20’s at an O.A. meeting. Overeater’s Anonymous.  We didn’t stay very long, we left to go out to a bar and dance, meet guys, and all that stuff that 20 somethings do.  We couldn’t stand what we felt was whining by the older women in the group.  I’m conscious of that type of whining in myself to this day, about how hard it all is. I have no patience for it in myself, even though I catch myself doing it.  Telling her was important though, it was as if admitting it to myself wasn’t enough, because I could still hide it if I chose to.  Telling her helped me because she immediately understood and supported me 1,000%. She made me laugh, a lot! Made me feel that this is all SO important but also helped me to laugh at myself in a deeply compassionate way.  When I told her I was going to start a blog she thought maybe I should call it, “Chonky!”  Maybe that will be the title of my memoir if I ever write one!

The other friend expressed feeling honored that I opened up to her about this, for the first time in a 20+ year friendship.  Her reaction was so compassionate and empathetic that it strengthened me!  I didn’t feel so deeply ashamed.  Because of her I felt such a warm loving acceptance that it gave me courage to talk to my husband about it.

I don’t think my husband fully understands “eating disorder” but I know he loves me and wants to support me. He just wants to help.  I am incredibly fortunate to have his love and support.  There was a time when I was single that I believed, I think, that if I only had someone who loved me fully, totally, unconditionally, that it would “heal” me.  I have that now, have had it, and yet, I am not healed.  It is wonderful to be loved and to have a support group, and I’m deeply grateful! I doubt that I could do any of this, face this, without all of their love and support!  I hate “ being a burden” though.  I hate “being dramatic.” I hate “making it all about me.”  I will save the explanation of why I hate those things for another post.

The problem is that there is one person who doesn’t fully love me unconditionally, one person who does not fully support me, one person who is hyper critical of me, and it turns out she’s the only one that matters. Me.